The relationship went boom. Maybe with a fizzle, maybe with a whimper, maybe with a slammed door...but it went. And now you're chasing your own self esteem through the crannies of your mind, wondering "What can I do to get him back?"
You find yourself calling. Or IMing, or text messaging. You wonder if he thinks about you at all, and then you start to pity yourself. Maybe you want to make him feel sorry for you, or to take you back and make it all right. Maybe some desperate part of you wishes it would all magically get better, or wishes there were something you could do to bring him back.
If those are the patterns of your thoughts, then no matter how much you want to rekindle or jump start this relationship, and we know it's what you want - or you wouldn't be reading this article - it's not gonna work. You see, those patterns of actions come off as being clingy and smothering and controlling, and just the same way you'd back off if he did them to you, he's going to run for the hills when you point the "pity me" parade at him.
So focus on the things that work.
Think back to the things that made you attractive to him when you first started dating. Focus on those parts of your life that are yours alone, not some adjunct of couplehood, and above all else - cut him (and yourself) some breathing room. Put a notice on your calendar that you won't talk to him for a month. You won't call him, IM him, text message him, whatever. Then spend that month on some serious 'me' time.
By doing this, you should spark a change of heart in your ex. Now that he's not fending off your attempts to me miss hyper-clingy pity party, he's going to wonder how you're doing. (And if he doesn't, you're better off without him.) He may, in fact, miss you a bit if you do this.
You're working with human nature - being a clingy sponge is going to drive any man worth having away - think about it in reverse. If he were moping around and listless because you broke up with him, you'd think he was annoying as all get out. Same here - don't be annoying at him. Get on with your life, grow a spine and let him come back on his own. (Or, alternatively, use this as the time to learn your lessons about relationships, and move on to something better.)
The other major benefit of repairing your relationship by making your own life your own focus is that it stabilizes you if he doesn't come back. Yeah, we've all known people who seem to have no lives - maybe they go home and pet the cat and watch soap operas or something; some are shell shocked from having had a relationship explode on them. Some just decide the whole game isn't worth it - and these are both realistic appraisals...but your best odds of getting your ex back have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you and your self esteem and valuation.
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